I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we have pet lesbian snakes
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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