I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
