there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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