They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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