nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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