I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
