got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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