I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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