I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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