he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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