I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
