happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
