Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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