Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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