I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
