I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
why do cheetos always look like penises
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
