i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The power of my boobs compel you
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
