my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
