Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
