Your tits are I can't wait for
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
