mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
