so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
