Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize