I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
