Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
