if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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