nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
