I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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