so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
only if we run a train.
done.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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