Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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