Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
