I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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