and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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