i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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