I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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