Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
