Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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