you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize