I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
