Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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