I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize