Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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