jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
