I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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