FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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