Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize