i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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