I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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