Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
