the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
