and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize