We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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