I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize