Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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