Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
