New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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