Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
