My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
