Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
