I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
