The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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