i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
